“Don’t find love, let love find you. That’s why it’s called falling in love because you don’t force yourself to fall, you just fall.”
That Wednesday I took Ethan to the coffee shop that I went to when I needed to get away from things. It was like my hide out and he was the first one I brought to it. Now, I really wasn’t sure about whether or not to bring him there. I mean it was my place to go to escape. And what if Ethan ended up being some guy who betrayed me? I put that thought aside once he was in my presence.
How could one think Ethan would hurt you? He was so…innocent and shy. Like a little puppy really; an adorable harmless puppy.
On the way to the hideout Ethan kept asking where it was.
“Be patient and you’ll find out,” I replied.
Upon arriving downtown Ethan looked around and couldn’t figure it out. I pointed out the coffee shop and we walked in. I got my croissant, and Ethan got a wrap. We sat down near the door. We chatted for a bit, and I handed him my journal.
I kept a journal, I've done that since high school. One thing you should know was that I would die to keep my journals secret. All through out high school, this guy, who I liked, would try to get my journal each French class. It was infuriating at times. Especially the time he did get it. If he had opened it to the page before he would have known he was my crush. So I took keeping my journal a secret seriously.
But I trusted Ethan. As crazy as that sounded, the vibe Ethan gave off was genuine and safe. It was nice to grab lunch in between classes. Especially when trying to make a new friend. He knew about everything that happened last quarter with Carter, and said that Carter was a douche. I also played two of the songs I had written in high school. Yes, they were ones about my crushes in high school. Yes, I was trying to hint that I was interested. The only reason I did that was because I figured he would be too dense to actually think I was interested. Give the information out, and leave it open ended, with the ball in his court.
That night I saw Ethan again. Debra and I were eating dinner and ran into him. He said he would drop by later to maybe watch Supernatural, I thought he would enjoy it.
He did! We watched the first episode.
“Okay, I’m hooked. That is an amazing show,” Ethan smiled.
“Isn’t it? I’m already at the end of season one, but I don’t mind re-watching some episodes,” I replied.
The next day I had dramatic writing. There was a girl in my class, Rachel, who I met during fall quarter but didn’t really hang out with much. But she knew Bill, who was Ethan’s best friend.
“Ethan got excited when Bill said that you wouldn’t stop talking about him, so he probably likes you,” she whispered.
“No? Really? No. Wait! Does he think I like him? Oh god please tell me no!”
“Yeah, I would say he knows you like him,” Rachel stated.
“Oh god. I can never see him again. Fuck, damn. But wait, you said he was excited? So he might like me?” I asked apprehensively.
“God, yes. I think he likes you,” Rachel said as the teacher came in.
I was excited and terrified. Ethan knew I liked him. That scared me. But Rachel said that Ethan liked me…or thought he did. So maybe it was okay… but in my head it wasn’t okay. It meant I was vulnerable. Exposed and ready to be hurt.
That evening, Rachel, Bill, Ethan and I all went to dinner together. We hung out afterwards until late hours into the night. Rachel didn’t want to go back to her room when we got back to the dorms, and Bill was too lazy and I didn’t want to go back to my room because my roommates were being bitches. Ethan offered for us to chill in his room for a bit.
We all filed in and piled on the bed. It was quite cramped. We all just lied there, resting. Bill and Rachel eventually got up, and I stayed lying down as Ethan walked them out. Ethan crawled back into bed with me and we talked for a bit and Ethan after a while said I could stay.
“So I figure you like me,” Ethan said.
I was speechless.
“Don’t worry I like you too,” Ethan smiled.
“Really?” I asked not daring to look at him.
“Well, why else would I let you stay?” Ethan asked.
“Okay true, touché,” I replied.
I rested my head against his shoulder nervously. He put his arm around me. I won’t go into the specifics, but as Ethan told me many months later as to how that night happened he texted, “Girl + Boy + Chemistry + Bed = Fun.” Only Ethan could make it so…not romantic or meaningful. That was something about Ethan, was his brain. It’s way logical and over analytical. I mean, I over think, but I don’t take the romance out of everything. Not that he took the romance out of everything but, seriously, that text? Way to make a girl feel special. All I will say was we did things further than Carter and I did fall quarter. All clothes stayed on, so don’t get your panties in a twist.
In the morning I woke up before Ethan and was shocked. That was not me. I was not that girl. Fuck. Great. He was going to leave now. Maybe I could sneak out…No! I couldn't!
Don’t do that to Ethan, he was a good guy. I thought. I sat up and pulled my legs into my chest, wrapped my arms around and felt my body shaking from nerves. Don’t panic here. Not now. Breathe. You’re not just a body. That’s not all he wants. I said to myself.
“Hey, you okay?” Ethan asked, waking up.
“Uh-huh,” I replied, not looking at him.
“Really? Because by the way you’re sitting at the end of the bed, curled up in yourself, that doesn’t seem okay,” Ethan observed.
“Yeah, just, shocked I guess. I was actually thinking about leaving before you woke up but I didn’t because I figured that wouldn’t…yeah,” I failed at explained.
“It’s okay. Glad you didn’t leave,” Ethan said.
“Cool, but now I actually have to leave. School work to do,” I said as I hoped out of bed.
I left in such a rush. I don’t remember if he said we would see each other later, all I knew was I didn’t want to be anywhere near him. I was freaking out. I called Rachel and asked if she could go to counseling with me. Yes, that was something I left out, but while things got stressful with Carter, I went to the school counseling services to figure out what was going on. Hey, I have trust issues.
After I showered and was ready I met up with Rachel and we headed downtown. The counseling building was the only two blocks over from my secret hide out. Arriving we went in the building which was a big boring building made out of grey stone. Not very welcoming really. The woman at the front desk needed to see our student ID’s and then we walked down the hall through the double doors and sat down until group was called.
Being called, we walked back, and there were only two other people in the group. Rachel just came as support. I let other people talk first.
“Anna, why are you here today?” the counselor asked.
And I went into detail about what happened last night with Ethan. And the more I talked the more I realized I was freaking out about nothing. I wouldn’t have let anything happen if Ethan had never told me about how he took relationships seriously and they actually meant something. Not that Ethan and I were in a relationship, God no. Well, not yet anyways.
“It sounds as if you’re afraid that Ethan doesn’t want to be with you if you don’t want to go that fast. But from what you’ve said, he doesn’t seem like the type to pressure,” the counselor said.
“Yeah, I know. But I just can’t get the idea out of my head that once a guy gets what he wants, which is always physical, they leave,” I said.
The rest of the session pretty much followed that topic. Not fun really. I couldn’t shake the thought that everything was just too good to be true. At the end I felt better and got a text from Ethan saying we should talk.
And that's all for now...
I'm posting about Ethan because this story has a lot of good lessons to be learned from our mistakes.
XOXO Anna
How could one think Ethan would hurt you? He was so…innocent and shy. Like a little puppy really; an adorable harmless puppy.
On the way to the hideout Ethan kept asking where it was.
“Be patient and you’ll find out,” I replied.
Upon arriving downtown Ethan looked around and couldn’t figure it out. I pointed out the coffee shop and we walked in. I got my croissant, and Ethan got a wrap. We sat down near the door. We chatted for a bit, and I handed him my journal.
I kept a journal, I've done that since high school. One thing you should know was that I would die to keep my journals secret. All through out high school, this guy, who I liked, would try to get my journal each French class. It was infuriating at times. Especially the time he did get it. If he had opened it to the page before he would have known he was my crush. So I took keeping my journal a secret seriously.
But I trusted Ethan. As crazy as that sounded, the vibe Ethan gave off was genuine and safe. It was nice to grab lunch in between classes. Especially when trying to make a new friend. He knew about everything that happened last quarter with Carter, and said that Carter was a douche. I also played two of the songs I had written in high school. Yes, they were ones about my crushes in high school. Yes, I was trying to hint that I was interested. The only reason I did that was because I figured he would be too dense to actually think I was interested. Give the information out, and leave it open ended, with the ball in his court.
That night I saw Ethan again. Debra and I were eating dinner and ran into him. He said he would drop by later to maybe watch Supernatural, I thought he would enjoy it.
He did! We watched the first episode.
“Okay, I’m hooked. That is an amazing show,” Ethan smiled.
“Isn’t it? I’m already at the end of season one, but I don’t mind re-watching some episodes,” I replied.
The next day I had dramatic writing. There was a girl in my class, Rachel, who I met during fall quarter but didn’t really hang out with much. But she knew Bill, who was Ethan’s best friend.
“Ethan got excited when Bill said that you wouldn’t stop talking about him, so he probably likes you,” she whispered.
“No? Really? No. Wait! Does he think I like him? Oh god please tell me no!”
“Yeah, I would say he knows you like him,” Rachel stated.
“Oh god. I can never see him again. Fuck, damn. But wait, you said he was excited? So he might like me?” I asked apprehensively.
“God, yes. I think he likes you,” Rachel said as the teacher came in.
I was excited and terrified. Ethan knew I liked him. That scared me. But Rachel said that Ethan liked me…or thought he did. So maybe it was okay… but in my head it wasn’t okay. It meant I was vulnerable. Exposed and ready to be hurt.
That evening, Rachel, Bill, Ethan and I all went to dinner together. We hung out afterwards until late hours into the night. Rachel didn’t want to go back to her room when we got back to the dorms, and Bill was too lazy and I didn’t want to go back to my room because my roommates were being bitches. Ethan offered for us to chill in his room for a bit.
We all filed in and piled on the bed. It was quite cramped. We all just lied there, resting. Bill and Rachel eventually got up, and I stayed lying down as Ethan walked them out. Ethan crawled back into bed with me and we talked for a bit and Ethan after a while said I could stay.
“So I figure you like me,” Ethan said.
I was speechless.
“Don’t worry I like you too,” Ethan smiled.
“Really?” I asked not daring to look at him.
“Well, why else would I let you stay?” Ethan asked.
“Okay true, touché,” I replied.
I rested my head against his shoulder nervously. He put his arm around me. I won’t go into the specifics, but as Ethan told me many months later as to how that night happened he texted, “Girl + Boy + Chemistry + Bed = Fun.” Only Ethan could make it so…not romantic or meaningful. That was something about Ethan, was his brain. It’s way logical and over analytical. I mean, I over think, but I don’t take the romance out of everything. Not that he took the romance out of everything but, seriously, that text? Way to make a girl feel special. All I will say was we did things further than Carter and I did fall quarter. All clothes stayed on, so don’t get your panties in a twist.
In the morning I woke up before Ethan and was shocked. That was not me. I was not that girl. Fuck. Great. He was going to leave now. Maybe I could sneak out…No! I couldn't!
Don’t do that to Ethan, he was a good guy. I thought. I sat up and pulled my legs into my chest, wrapped my arms around and felt my body shaking from nerves. Don’t panic here. Not now. Breathe. You’re not just a body. That’s not all he wants. I said to myself.
“Hey, you okay?” Ethan asked, waking up.
“Uh-huh,” I replied, not looking at him.
“Really? Because by the way you’re sitting at the end of the bed, curled up in yourself, that doesn’t seem okay,” Ethan observed.
“Yeah, just, shocked I guess. I was actually thinking about leaving before you woke up but I didn’t because I figured that wouldn’t…yeah,” I failed at explained.
“It’s okay. Glad you didn’t leave,” Ethan said.
“Cool, but now I actually have to leave. School work to do,” I said as I hoped out of bed.
I left in such a rush. I don’t remember if he said we would see each other later, all I knew was I didn’t want to be anywhere near him. I was freaking out. I called Rachel and asked if she could go to counseling with me. Yes, that was something I left out, but while things got stressful with Carter, I went to the school counseling services to figure out what was going on. Hey, I have trust issues.
After I showered and was ready I met up with Rachel and we headed downtown. The counseling building was the only two blocks over from my secret hide out. Arriving we went in the building which was a big boring building made out of grey stone. Not very welcoming really. The woman at the front desk needed to see our student ID’s and then we walked down the hall through the double doors and sat down until group was called.
Being called, we walked back, and there were only two other people in the group. Rachel just came as support. I let other people talk first.
“Anna, why are you here today?” the counselor asked.
And I went into detail about what happened last night with Ethan. And the more I talked the more I realized I was freaking out about nothing. I wouldn’t have let anything happen if Ethan had never told me about how he took relationships seriously and they actually meant something. Not that Ethan and I were in a relationship, God no. Well, not yet anyways.
“It sounds as if you’re afraid that Ethan doesn’t want to be with you if you don’t want to go that fast. But from what you’ve said, he doesn’t seem like the type to pressure,” the counselor said.
“Yeah, I know. But I just can’t get the idea out of my head that once a guy gets what he wants, which is always physical, they leave,” I said.
The rest of the session pretty much followed that topic. Not fun really. I couldn’t shake the thought that everything was just too good to be true. At the end I felt better and got a text from Ethan saying we should talk.
And that's all for now...
I'm posting about Ethan because this story has a lot of good lessons to be learned from our mistakes.
XOXO Anna